Consistent Calvinism FAQ (Satire)

This is a post I added to the Society of Evangelical Arminians prior to creating this blog.

Disclaimer: The following is a light-hearted satire on Calvinism and not an attack on Calvinists. :-)

Q. How should I approach evangelism?

A. You should evangelise if you believe that you are included in the command of the Great Commission. It is important, however, to know what the right motivation for evangelism is. Your motivation should be to obey God’s command. People’s salvation is not a legitimate motivation for evangelism, for you cannot change their elected status.
When you evangelise, be careful not to tell people that “Jesus died for their sins”. Also note, that since grace is irresistible, there is no need to be persuasive, (for you cannot change people’s elected status). The corollary of this is that there is no harm in being non-persuasive. Once people have heard the ‘good news’, there is no need to continue preaching to them.
Remember that statistically speaking, those you are evangelising to are probably part of the reprobate. There is, however, no need to seek out the elect, or any need to reach as many people as possible. This is because God will ensure one way or another, that those who are included in the elect will hear the gospel by some means.
Take comfort in that, if you are not spreading the ‘good news’, it’s not your fault, because it just means that at this time God is not using you.

Q. What should I do if it looks like someone is in danger of falling away?

A. Nothing. It is impossible for someone to fall away. If someone does fall away, you must conclude that they were never saved in the first place. In which case, it is legitimate (though not necessary since they have already heard the ‘good news’) to evangelise to them. (See “How should I approach evangelism?”)

Q. How should I approach prayer?

A. The purpose of prayer is to build your relationship with God. Asking God for anything won’t have an impact, for God has already decided. There is no need to ask for people to be saved because God’s mind is already made up, and can’t be changed.

Q. What should my attitude be of hell?

A. It is impossible to know who is part of the elect, and who is part of the reprobate. On one level, it should grieve you that people are damned, (because God does desire all men to be saved). However, in perspective, it is a greater desire of God to have His glory revealed. More than anything, you should rejoice in the fact that God’s will is done. You should rejoice in that God’s glory will be made known, through the condemnation and eternal damnation of the majority of humanity.

Q. Should I have children?

A. Some people are worried that if they have children, God will reprobate them to hell. It is true that there is a chance, that should you ‘choose’ to have children, that they will be reprobated to eternal condemnation, and that even raising them up in a Christian home will not influence your children’s decision in following Christ. However, this should not deter you from having children, for should God choose to reprobate them, it will help make God’s glory known. (See “What should my attitude be of hell?”)

Q. How do I best convince Arminians and other non-Calvinists that Calvinism is the true Gospel?

A. You shouldn’t. Those who are deceived are deceived because God wants them to be deceived. To do so would make you fighting against God.

Q. What about sin?

A. Just because God determines everything doesn’t mean that He determines sin. This apparent contradiction can be resolved with “compatiblism”. Remember, Calvinism is thoroughly consistent, and any ‘apparent contradictions’ can be resolved with Deut. 29:29.
As Calvinists we must recognise (somehow) that we are responsible for our sins, otherwise we could end up like those prideful Arminians.

By Daniel Nebauer